Building My Bliss

Kick in the Pants

2009-08-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

I am sick to death of my blah attitude. I am spending too much time at home, too much time alone and way way too much time thinking. I need to stop focusing so much time on the inner weirdo workings of my brain. The times I am happiest in my life are the times I can zone out and pay attention to the one thing I need to do at that moment. Like slicing a lemon, feeling the breeze from the trusty ceiling fan or giving the pooch a scratch behind her ear. I will never ever find contentment by sitting here analyzing why I am not content.

I am pretty good at feeling sorry for myself, of not giving myself credit when it is due and at making myself out to be the most corrupt person on this planet. But if I have one talent it is that I always notice and pay respect to the details. I think growing up with so little blessed me with the ability to feel rich even in the most dire of circumstances. I love my things. I am not materialistic and I am not oddly attached to my material goods, but I LOVE my stuff. Even my smallest goods I treat with reverence. And I think that is the key to it all, reverence. My coffee cup is not just a cup, but a drinking vessel just for me. It's a homely thing with a mysterious unknown origin that came into MY life to be a helper to nourish little ole me. I love this cup.

So with my quirky graciousness, I need to kick myself in the ass and start noticing the BIG blessings too. If I can worship my toast and butter, why not my diploma? I guess I get overwhelmed with the big presents.

Next...

2009-08-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

Wow! It is a whole new world from where I am standing. I graduated, got engaged and moved in with my beau. What isn't different these days? I am tempted to begin a new blog about something, but I just don't know what yet. This world is so unfamiliar to me. I never thought I would finish school, and I certainly never thought that I would get married. I am trying to adjust, trying to realize that this is MY life, as completely foreign that it is, it is so strange.

Graduation Schmaduation

2009-08-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I am graduating tomorrow. I am nervous, but not excited. I have so much going on these days, and though it is all good stuff, I am finding myself in a bit of a funk. Graduation is looming, engagement is grand but comes with a whole new host of responsibilities and obligations, moving in with the Fiance is smoother than I thought, but the house is a nightmare. And I am just plain exhausted. I am being tugged in every direction and nothing seems to hold much pleasure for me right now. Even my "go-to" comforts like soft blankies and food isn't cutting through the malaise.

I hate being so grumpy when everything is shaping up, but I feel so tired. It is a 4 year tired. Wrestling with financial aid, working in horrible groups and struggling through a major that I am not 100% in love with tired. Honestly, I am glad I am graduating, but for me, it is more a "glad that is over, now what" feeling.

I am signing up for cooking classes, becoming a consultant at a local advocacy group and applied for a part time job at a designer boutique. I am not seeking out the big time job until after wedding and renovating things are done.

I feel hopelessly empty. I hate this house and this neighborhood. The house is a vile frat boy-destroyed skeleton of a place that reeks of smokey parties and trouble. The hood is jammed with cars all blaring their bass and folks walking their muscly pit bulls. Not a zen-like home for this lady. I feel worlds away from my precious apartment in the sky over looking the downtown oaks. I miss my morning walks with my pup around the historical district and my quiet evenings with a glass of wine and a book. I can still have the wine and book, but in a bug infested backyard with copious amounts of dog poo, and amid vibrations from the ever-present car music.

I am desperately homesick, except this is it. I will make it livable, it is just devastating how much work it takes just to get a little creature comfort. O says we only have to live here until next August. Fingers crossed.

Met a tool

2009-06-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

He told me that, “Ideally, I would be like Robin Williams in Dead Poet Society.” He paused and looked picturesquely thoughtful. He was the perfect vision of what a boy looks like who is at once incredibly attractive and absolutely brilliant. He was the vision of what that kind of boy should look like, but he was not that kind of boy. “Yea, you know, I know how to teach and inspire people…and it is the only way to be called captain without having a boat.”

I think maybe it is me. I must be pretty intolerant to hate all the people I do, like I do. I try to take people seriously, I do, but they are so ridiculous. Maybe hate is too harsh, I don’t hate people. I think I have just had ridiculously high expectations for them for a long time. I used to be accused of wanting to be a non-conformist, and I am sure I fed that idea when I was 15, who doesn’t, but I don’t really care if I am exactly like my neighbor, as long as I am happy and not lying to myself.

Maybe if I can see all the things that bug me as funny and not bad then I will not be so grumpy at the poor bastards. I think I have been in school for way too long. I am a crotchety old lady now.

I am frikkin addicted to this song

2009-05-27T14:01:00.000-07:00

Hello Old Friends

2009-05-25T11:15:00.001-07:00

I have been busy and a little crazy. This summer brings with it a plethora of life changing decisions and big happenings. First, after four years, my boyfriend and I have decided to shack up. (leave me alone about the ring thing, I hear it all day) This is a whopper for me given that I have lived alone for nine years, yikes! Not only am I a lone wolf, but I really treasure my home life. Creature comforts are more important to me than anything, so moving in with a space taking boy and a very loud baying hound dog isn't without concerns.

Secondly, I am graduating. This one is such a biggie that it is still hard for me to grasp. I really never thought I would finish. I mean, I had never finished college before, so it seemed like some impossible feat for me, like mastering group sports or something. I can't believe I did it. I am obviously still in shock.

Thirdly, I got a pixie cut. I am still coming to terms with this decision but I did not cry at least. I wanted to, but as I was telling my lovely stylist Christie K. to take it ALL off, we were making fun of the whiny models on America's Next Top Model.

So now I set off for my last semester.

A case of the Mondays

2009-02-16T04:51:00.000-08:00

Good Morning. I was up until 1:00am last night with a brain full of things from my past. I have been in the middle of reacquainting a part of my family, and I inadvertently got in contact with my estranged father. It was surprisingly less dramatic than I thought it would be. I text messaged him, hallelujah for technology, it makes like so easy for things that can be too hard to do face-to-face or on the phone. After a few emotional exchanges, he asked what I did all day. Oddly, that was the question that sent me over the edge because as you know, I like the day-to-day little things the most.

This morning, it all seems really surreal. I have always operated under the notion that I was raised by wolves and they have since moved on. Now suddenly, I have family again. I don't know what to do with one, where do I put it, how do I clean and maintain it. This is unfamiliar ground and I am completely gobsmacked about how to operate.

So for now, I will enjoy my morning coffee, walk to school listening to Camera Obscura, come home and take a nice nap and maybe text my Pop to see what he is doing on this Monday morning.

Slowing way down

2009-02-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

I get stressed out, like super panic attacky blind madness stressed out. My dealings with my over active 'fight or flight' instinct have improved over the years, but it is something I will always struggle with. In times of crisis (real or imagined) I try to focus on the little things. Little things are extremely important when everything else seems to daunting.

Lately, I have been working as an intern at a busy but small software company and taking 3 difficult and demanding classes. My dog is doing well, but her ongoing sickness requires a certain amount of attention, the brakes on my tiny Mazda sound like a bus (that isn't good) and my future has had a turn in the less certain direction in the love department.

Instead of freaking out and boozing it up in the gutter, I have been cherishing the little things that make me happy.

Such as:

West Wing, I never watched it while it was on, that is the beauty of Netflix!

This yummy Irish Ale has got me through some chilly nights.

The New Pornographers

and this book

I find that it is important to distract myself with things I love and find joy in doing the things I do not. I have to eel every dish as I wash it, enjoy waiting in line as a break from work and know when to stop it all to spend time with myself and my loved ones.

Cookin with Google

2009-01-27T05:01:00.000-08:00

I don't care if Google is the Devil, this is awesome:

Cold Snap

2009-01-14T05:02:00.001-08:00

North Florida is chilly this morning. I love the cold but only because I love being cozy and when it is cold outside, being warm inside is particularly delicious. I am a bit of a comfort addict. Before I settle in to do anything, things have to be just so. In the evenings, candles must be lit, wine must be poured, chenille and or handmade blankies are generously supplied and with luck, there will be a fuzzy beast laying half way on my lap. In the mornings, strong coffee, warm slippers, hearty and healthy breakfast and either ambient music or the Today show, depending on my stress level.

The world is such a big place with so many problems, and I tend to absorb all of them. My cozy habit helps me live in the now and remember how lucky I am in this moment. So now, I will go back to my coffee and ponder my lovely sleepy pooch.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-05T14:29:00.001-08:00

Like everyone else in this country, for me 2008 was a very rough year. I was lucky I had no job to be laid off from, my health is fantastic, and my family and friends are far away, but doing great. The past eight months have been wrought with challenges and new not-so-pleasant experiences. I had two terrible internships, I worked on school work for over 60 hours a week (that I do not feel passionate about) and I have realized yet again that I am training for a career that holds no interest for me at all whatsoever.

I am not having a pity party though, I will soon have my first actual college degree and that will open many doors, even some I do not expect. I hope so anyway. So my hardships, if one could call them that, really were not hard at all. For me, feeling as though I have wasted my time is the worst defeat imaginable. Of course, I have not been wasting my time, but in my darkest fits of self-effacement, good luck telling me that.

One thing that made me very unhappy these last few months was not having enough fun. I have been working hard, but too hard, and I cut out all my leisure activities. So I am going to have more fun, and enjoy my silly classwork this semester! Everyone says it doesn't matter WHAT the major is just that you get the DEGREE, so here's hoping.

Cozy Night

2008-12-07T14:40:00.000-08:00

I have been very neglectful and really busy. Now I am recovering from this semester (and getting ready to study for Finals) So I am hunkering in with a book and a movie.

I have two jobs! It is a long story for another day, I am off to cozy up with my pooch and some bean dip.

blogging from the Blackberry

2008-11-03T06:17:00.000-08:00

I just want to see if I can write from my Blackberry. Maybe this will help me to remember to write more often. Iam very aware of how loud my buttons clicking must be to those around me.

I have been incredibly busy with school and extra curriculars lately.

Fall Morning

2008-10-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

It felt like fall here for a moment this morning. I wish the crispy autumn weather lasted for months, but here in Florida, I am lucky to get a week or two, and even then, it usually hits the mid-80's by 2 o'clock. But either way, I know it is fall because of my spiced-up coffee, my indulgent breakfast of hash and eggs, and the overwhelming urge to snuggle into my afghan.

School has been nuts, and with my new position as Communications Officer of a busy organization, I sometimes feel I am spread way too thin this semester. The good news is, I am already getting some great offers for internships for the spring. It is weird having options. I have always relied upon survival, and never thought that I had to decide between one opportunity and another. I am easily overwhelmed by too many choices. I know that I should be more gracious about my good fortune, but sometimes I can't even recognize my life anymore. That is a good thing though, all the changes are improvements and it will get easier, I am sure.

New discoveries

2008-10-06T17:21:00.001-07:00

I love creepy laboratories, crazy scientists and dusty books. The art of Joseph Wright, English Enlightenment painter are perfect for my Halloween mood. I have been busy, but find comfort in my occasional pumpkin latte and quiet moment to ponder things like galvanism....look it up. Muah ha ha ha

I thought I was busy LAST semester

2008-10-02T17:46:00.001-07:00

I have had no time to write at all, and it is staring to get to me. I am taking 15 hours of classes this semester. Four technology classes and one history, I have also been involved in extra-curriculars this semester. Now I have never been much of a joiner, not in high school, not ever, so this new business and social butterfly stuff is new for me. I have to say, it feels nice.

I have been busy studying networks, network security, programming, and existentialism. I have been reading Hells Angels by Hunter S Thompson, watching Dexter on Dvd, enjoying Fringe and True Blood on tv, listening to Opera and REM, playing Viking: Battle of Asgard on Xbox360, eating soup and goldfish snacks, drinking Shipyard Ale and painting my toe nails garnet.

Hedda Gabler

2008-09-28T08:07:00.000-07:00

Cute Stuff

2008-08-31T05:46:00.000-07:00

I tried meal planning. I found a gift pack of planning notebook, recipe notebook, shopping list pad and pocket organizer on sale at our local Big Lots and I was thrilled at the idea of creating my own menu plan. My excitement actually motivated me for a few weeks, but alas, eventually all the notepads were abandoned, and are now serving time as scratch paper. This morning I saw these and it was love! Maybe I will give it another try?

The first week of school was pretty fantastic. Although the heat was stifling, I still felt all aglow with academic infatuation. This happens to me every fall, but this year, I was skipping around, light as a feather. Maybe it is because I have been at FSU for 2 years now and it feels like home. Maybe it is the promise of cooler weather up ahead, either way I am crushing on my university pretty hard right now.

Another Beginning

2008-08-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

Another semester begins today. I can hardly believe that my whole break zoomed by and I didn't blog. I was feeling mighty introspective, what with turning 32 and all. I am reassured by everyone that it isn't a big deal. Now, I know that 32 isn't old, and I am not beating myself up about things accomplished or not accomplished, but it IS a big deal to me. I have many gray hairs, some lines in my face and I definitely can not hang with the 'awake after midnight' crowd. These things do not make me old, but they do color the way that I see this current act of my life. I may not be old, but I am not the same. I am not the same gal that I was 5 years ago, and when we notice these changes in ourselves, we are allowed to feel funny. I wish people didn't equate introspective behavior about ones age to mean they fear growing old. I have been silently glowing about all the mistakes I made in my 20's; things that I thought I would never recover from have faded into silly stories of my youth. I am thankful for that.

I really didn't think that time would heal all wounds, but I have grown out of being angry at myself. It is amazing how long we can carry grudges against ourselves.

Gettin' my Philosophy on...

2008-08-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

I have been reading Descartes' Discourse on Method in preparation for my Fall semester (Don't judge me, some people do heroin, I am addicted to school) and, anywho, I came across this and I thought it need to be shared with you.

My third maxim was to try always to overcome myself rather than fortune and to change my desires rather than the order of the world, and generally to get in the habit of believing that there is nothing which is entirely within our power except our thoughts, so that after we have done our best concerning those things which lie outside of us, everything which our attempt fails to deal with is, so far as we are concerned, absolutely impossible.

That alone seemed to me to be sufficient to prevent me from desiring anything in future which I could not achieve and thus to make me happy. For since our will has a natural tendency to desire only things which our understanding represents as in some way possible, it is certain that if we think about all the good things which are outside of us as equally distant from our power, we would no more regret missing those whose loss is due to our birth, when we are deprived by no fault of our own, than we would regret not possessing the kingdoms of China or Mexico. By making, as the saying goes, a virtue of necessity, we would not desire health when we are sick or freedom when we are in prison, any more than we now desire to have either a body made of some material less subject to decay than diamonds or wings to fly, like the birds.

But I admit that there is a need for a long discipline and frequently repeated meditation in order to accustom oneself to looking at everything from this point of view. And I believe that this is the principal secret of those philosophers who have been able in earlier times to escape from the demands of empire and fortune and who, despite pains and poverty, could rival their gods in happiness. For, constantly busy thinking about the limits prescribed for them by nature, they persuaded themselves so perfectly that nothing was in their power except their thoughts, that that alone would be enough to prevent them from having any affection for other things, and they acquired such an absolute control over their thoughts that they found in that process reason to think themselves more rich and more powerful and more free and more happy than any other men, who, because they did not possess this philosophy, never had the same control over everything they desired, no matter how favoured they might be by nature and fortune.

Who needs The Secret?

I am on break between semesters, and this break feels particularly antsy. I want to clean everything, focus on improving my health, read in prep for 15 hours of classes, read extra curricular stuff, watch the West Wing and do my NC taxes from 2002. (Damn that NC-IRS, they got me.) Usually, my breaks turn in to long days of Top Model marathons and chowing down on take-out. These things do NOT may a gal feel her prettiest, so times they are a'changin'!

Thank You, Universe!

2008-08-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

July's POP Project reminds me of how good I DO have it, even when the chips are down. I have had some horrible times in my life, but I am thankful for those awful experiences because I am grateful everyday that I love my life now, no matter what.

I am grateful for:
My Opportunity to go to a University
My crazy mother's health
My boyfriend's patience
My dog's funny fits when she can't stop running
Cheese, God, I love cheese
Fizzy Water
My new friendships
My old friendships that are deepening
Pumpkin and Ginger flavored everything in the fall
My addiction to the printed word
Cool Weather, when it happens here
Xanax and a cozy blanket
Ana, my stylist for making me feel pretty
My Professional Chef book
Sherman Alexie, for making me feel worthy
That I no longer live in Hendersonville
I love Oscillating Fans
Burt's Bees Tomato Toner
My Vintage Hankie collection
My electronic friends: TIVO, XBOX and Netflix
The feeling when you put your hair up, fresh and clean.
and I am eternally grateful for my insatiable appetite to learn as much as possible!

Hippy-dippy, or not, it feels great to thank the universe as often as possible.

Semester's End

2008-07-31T04:56:00.001-07:00

The end of the semester hit me like a truck. Thankfully, it is all over now and I can focus on leisurely pursuits for a week or two. I am not in a position to travel right now, so I will have to be creative.

I am very pleased that I woke up at 7 AM to rainy cool weather, ahhhh. heavenly. I think my first vacation task will be to snuggle up in bed and read a book. I am, however, working on my gratitude list for July's POP Project. It will be a tad late.

Bad night

2008-07-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

For the life of me, I don't know what my dream was about last night, but I do know that I was cutting fingerprints off of myself and others. It was graphic and horrible. In the midst of my grotesque nocturnal fantasies, I was scared awake by a loud gurgled death rattle. It was a dear old friend, my air-conditioner. It was steamy in my apartment by the time I got out of bed and made a plan of action for the day. The third floor of a Florida apartment building in July without AC is not pleasant.

Now I am at O's house, aka, my second home, and I am trying to work on the manual I am writing for my internship. Unfortunately, I am having a hard time focusing. I think I will watch a movie instead. Procrastination is glorious.

My Early

2008-07-14T04:31:00.000-07:00

I am a morning person, much to the annoyance of most people that I encounter before 8 a.m. That being said, if I wake up after 8, all that sweet and hyper morning energy is squandered in my dreams. I am at my best when I have a regular rising time of 6 a.m., and I would like to push this even earlier, maybe the 5 a.m. range. Why you ask? Well, I have an internship technical writing, and while it feels pretty soulless most of the time, I truly enjoy the writing aspect of the position. I would like to practice and learn more writing skills, but I never seem up to doing extra work once my day gets going.

I took a poetry class with my friend Erica years ago, and though, it was embarrassing much of the time, and I am still mortified about some of the crud I passed off as poetry, I learned a lot. I have always written A papers, have kept a diary for 17 years and always planned on writing, but I just don't. I can't spell, my grammar is atrocious and I find it almost impossible to complete a thought. This doesn't bode well for my writing career.

I hear that practice makes everything better, so I want to get up early, use my morning clarity to get better at this writing thing and see what happens. Today I woke at 6:45, that isn't early enough, but it is a start.

Photo Catchup-2

2008-07-08T05:54:00.000-07:00

We planted a small container garden with tomatoes, basil, thyme, oregano and some marigolds. Hopefully, it will live! O is very excited despite his urban upbringing he is very proud of his first crop.

Our big dog, JD stole our smaller dog's bed. He is a big oaf.

Our first Kabobs, they were delicious.

Photo Catchup 1

2008-07-08T05:34:00.000-07:00

Here we have a little catch of things that I said I would do, so it is a visual "to-done" list, if you please.

Here are my canvas shopping bags. I am surprised at how few crazy looks I get when I haul them all out, but it is a challenge to shop with the in your cart of on your shoulder. Thankfully though, I notice I buy less because I only buy what I can fit in the bags.

I also started always having fresh flowers in my apartment. It really does cheer me up. This particular specimen looks really sad, but I bought them off the side of the road from some shady looking folks, that makes me smile!

I cooked with bok choy and made a splendid stir-fry.

I bought a $600 car that runs like a dream sand is treatin' me fine (except for the "ASS" word scraped into the hood)

I finally painted the ugly red bookcase and now it is an ugly blue with red streaks bookcase.

And here is a picture of the dogs.

Sorry my picture posts are all wonky. One day I will learn.

Registration

2008-07-08T05:20:00.000-07:00

I am embarking on yet another semester at FSU. Today was registration and I am signing up for 15 hours. The reason for this unusual act of self-mutilation is that I have made the fateful decision to double major. I majored in Information Science purely for the financial glory and now, at the end stretch of my academic career (ya, right, who am I kidding?) I am faced with the painful realization that I am not going to be happy. I have dreamed my entire life of going to a university and never in those dreams did I study "web usability". But, not so fast to judge there, my friends. I am not changing majors OR quitting school like I have been known to do in the past. I will be taking 2 course loads and probably working in the IT field while I finish up my second degree. Which is Interdisciplinary Humanities, so Art History heavy on the history and literature. Delicious. Here is the painting that breaks my heart and a picture of my school. (A fraction of it)

I'm not gonna take it....anymore

2008-07-07T14:36:00.000-07:00

So I am sick and tired of bullies. I have two professors that are continuously reminding me that I will never get a job because: I am too quiet, too modest, too bossy, too flirty, too tattooed, I don't play well with others, don't play the game, don't walk the walk or talk the talk etc etc etc. Mind you these professors have been telling me this for 3 years, everyday. I don't mind a bit of criticism, but I am getting pretty numb to it and it has ceased being a constructive criticism and now it just angers me.

I have great grades, great friends and I know that I have a kick butt personality and work ethic, so I wish all these silly attempts at motivating me would stop. I do take it personally when someone tells me that I am not doing a good job especially when I have been doing everything I can to get through school. Oh well.

Evolving

2008-07-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed things have changed around here. I am tired of challenging myself. I have some things that I want to do sometime soon, and some things I would like to learn how to do. That is it. I do still want to set goals here, but they need not be so difficult to accomplish.

I did get so much done off of my old list, and I will update everyone.

Exhausted

2008-06-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't been neglecting my blog, or my goals (thought they are messing and nonsensical and THAT will have to be sorted out at some point) I am still working 2 internships, taking classes and working on my research job. I am exhausted. But I have accomplished many of my goals and I have pictures and insights. Unfortunately, I have little time, and even less energy.

Kiva

2008-05-25T09:30:00.001-07:00

I loaned money on Kiva and I feel great about it, you should do it too!

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?”

Busy Disaster

2008-05-21T04:57:00.000-07:00

The busy disaster I am referring to is this blog, but also my life right now too. I took on way way too much this semester and now I am scaling back and starting over. It is okay though, just some bumpy starts, but it will all work out.

This brings me to my goals, which are likewise a disaster. Many of the goals are long term life changes. Things like avoiding celebrity gossip, using my canvas bags and recycling (all of which are going very well) and these things, though unmeasurable are the most successful and rewarding. I have no idea what is going on in Hollywood, thank God, I have finally got into a good recycling routine and I make sure I have an empty canvas bag with me at all times.

The other goals, the time sucking measurable goals have been rough, but I have a long long time, so we will see what happens. I am buying a car ASAP and that will not only knock off a goal but facilitate the other goals as well. Check out this site, I am totally addicted to it.

Busy Lady

2008-05-13T04:47:00.000-07:00

Whoa, what happened? Just a few weeks ago I was lolling around watching BBC's Keeping Up Appearances and wondering why everyone else in the world always seems so busy. Here it is seemingly moments later, and I am looking at a never-ending to-do list.

My classes started yesterday. I am taking an IT Practicum class which will take me into the community to do some hands on work and then I am taking 2 courses from my newly declared second major Humanities. I missed reading for school, but I think I am out of practice. It is daunting. Then I have my fresh research position, which is all reading right now, and starting today, I have my internship. The cherry on top? I fractured my foot and I am on bed rest for a week but of course, this isn't possible. Believe it or not, I am not complaining. It feels pretty good to have important things to do. I just wish I wasn't risking foot surgery as I strive to do everything.

The worst of it will be over at the end of June, so I can do it!

Boston

2008-05-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

O. and I went to Boston! It was fantastic. I loved every awkward, rainy, uncomfortable moment of it. It really did rain pretty much the whole time, but except for my poor clothing choices and phantom foot pain (that I blame on the uneven bricks) it was a perfect time. My friends were incredibly generous with their time and space and understanding about the 'Floridians' needing their nappy time.

I got a ton of books, strolled Harvard twice, ate about a hundred dunkin doughnuts, lost horribly at scrabble, and spent an entire weekend soggy wet and happy. Yay, Boston!

Working Girl

2008-04-28T06:47:00.000-07:00

I am a researcher! I am on FSU's payroll, yay! Beginning this morning I am officially employed, and look at me already taking advantage; this truly is like the real world now. My internship with the Big Bend RHIO starts in a week or so too; I have come a long way since my all day Top Model marathons.

On Wednesday we leave for our Boston vacay, I am a busy bee.

April POP Project

2008-04-28T06:07:00.000-07:00

Shortly after writing the 'Pencil Yourself In' post, I cleaned up my apartment which included tossing out 2 big trash bags of last semester's work and washing 4 loads of laundry. After that, I decided to heat up some incredible baked Ziti from the night before, and take a little lunch break. Next, I turned on my TV to have some light lunch entertainment and I saw that my dear TIVO had recorded Say Anything, then a thought hit me, I deserved an afternoon to myself and it could be as wonderful as any 'real' date.

So, I turned down all the blinds, turned off the computer and phones, poured myself a hardy glass of Chardonnay and enjoyed my heady portion of pasta and Cusack. This moment was as good as any for my April POP Project self date. I always forget how great that movie is and how I fall in love with Lloyd Dobler every time. I savored my Ziti, some thick garlic toast and 3 Dove chocolates, and when the movies was over, I drifted of into a lovely afternoon nap.

Originally, I did want this date to include leaving the house, but sometimes just decompressing at home all by yourself can be like medicine to the hectic work and school life, and I definitely needed a dose.

Shopped eBay

2008-04-25T12:45:00.001-07:00

On my list of 101, that isn't 101, yet, I have "Jump on that eBay bandwagon". Truthfully, I am not really sure where I was going with that. It could be that that particular day I was thinking that I would make things and sell them (doubtful) or that I could sell things I already own (which is hardly anything, I am the opposite of a pack rat-if it isn't heirloom material, get rid of it!) So I am taking that goal to mean that I could buy or sell on eBay. I have made 3 purchases on eBay this month. The first was a little leather clutch purse that is about as plain as possible, I do not like purses that have their own jewelry. It is soft and sturdy and I am still bonding with it. Then I bought some vintage handkerchiefs with embroidery. My grandmother used to make these as a hobby and I remember playing with them as a kid, but over the years, they all disappeared. I am replenishing the legacy, who knows maybe these were hers after all. And finally, I bought this gorgeous shirt dress that fits me like a glove from the waist up, but is about 6 ft too long, so I will need to have it altered. It is so long, I had to hang it on my wall to take a picture, but it is so beautiful, I can't wait to have it fitted.

In other news, I thought about making my date today between filling out my paper work for my new research job and cleaning my apartment, but I really feel like nesting and cleaning, and if I were out dating myself, I would rush it to get back home, so maybe later.

Pencil Yourself In

2008-04-24T09:20:00.001-07:00

I am participating in the April POP Project and I am realizing just how hard it is these days to make time for myself. I have plenty of time TO myself, that is, time that I study, time that I clean my apartment, time that I walk my dog, and though, I love all of those activities, they do no constitute a date. My original plan was to take myself to an IMAX film and a leisurely lunch of mussels and wine, but alas, it is April. April means taxes, and anniversaries, finals and this year, my vacation to Boston. So tax time came and went, my 3 year anniversary was divine, there were softball games, cocktail parties, study groups, presentations and tests, and here it is the 24th and I just started an internship and a job, oh, I mentioned I leave for Boston in a week, right?

So, this morning was my last final and I had a morning penciled in with a million things to do today as I checked my email, and when I saw my gentle reminder from Sarah and I felt this overwhelming sense of duty to myself and the community she is building. I wouldn't have stood up a girlfriend, even if I was this busy. So I am going to decompress from this hectic month and figure out a way to pencil myself in, at least for a coffee and a chapter or two.

Not Idle

2008-04-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

I don't like being busy. I am certainly not a couch potato, in fact, I have a ridiculous energy level most of the time. I do a million things at once all while reading a book and sometimes watching a movie too. I hate being obligated busy, with deadlines, and contracts, and presentations, and lots and lots of buzz words. I feel like such a schmuck when I am forced to write things like: synergy, on the same page, processes, best practice....gag. It is just all so contrived.

Right now I want to be strolling along in some French town without a penny in my pocket and a belly full of bread, wine and stinky cheese.

Sewing Machine

2008-04-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

My mom gave me an old sewing machine, and it is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Mind you, I have never used a sewing machine in my life, in fact, I have a certain friend that enjoyed to pull the loose threads on my hand sewn attempts. I practiced sewing a straight line until my eyes hurt. After I left go of the fear of sewing my finger down, I didn't do too shabby.

I also baked my first muffins from scratch today. I followed a recipe to the letter and though they are edible, there are some serious taste and texture issues. Surprisingly, I was totally okay with my failed execution of the muffins; this is a great thing because when I mess up a recipe, I react similar to Julianne Moore in The Hours.

It is almost beddy bye time, so I am going to snuggle up with a glass of wine and watch Helvetica.

Words to myself

2008-04-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

You always see what nobody else sees; it is impossible to satisfy you; yet you never see what is quite plain-George Eliot Middlemarch

Homemaker

2008-04-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid my family was extremely poor. I grew up in an old steel town in western Pennsylvania, so most of the families there were poor; we just happened to be a little bit worse off. Not that I knew it. Thank God for hearty imaginations, favorite books and my best friend. Her family was one of the poorest too. I bring this up because I am out of quarters for laundry and I was forced to clean a load of clothing in the sink. When we were children, my friend and I used to do our laundry together, in the sink, playing with the suds and wrenching our little hands around to get out all the gritty bits of outside adventure, this never occurred to me as something that others didn't do.

I love doing laundry, mending clothes, and anything that is really physical housework. Don't get me wrong, I am far from a neat freak, in fact, I am pretty cluttered. Dusting, dishes and cleaning up in general is torture. There is something about laundry that makes me feel connected to my sisters throughout history. It makes me think of standing by the rivers of old and beating my clothes out against rocks with my compatriots. I wish I got the same feeling from dishes or vaccuming. (However, I do love to vacuum as well, but for other reasons that I will get into another time)

I am also obsessed with vintage linens and heirloom hope chest type things lately. I hate that I got very little handed down to me from my family, and I don't want my grandchildren to feel the same. I guess I figure if I start now, I will be creating a legacy for later. I sure am nesting lately.

Disaster and Merger

2008-04-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

This blog is a disaster! I learned my lesson from the book thing. I don't like putting limitations on my free time, so I am not doing the 101 in 1001. But I will pick this up as my blog when the book fiasco is over and look at my 101 as more of a to-do when I am not to-doing other things.

I am feeling extremely restless. Maybe it is the spring, maybe it is the discovery that I don't graduate for another year, I don't know. I will blame it on the weather.

As a result of my feeling froggy, I merged my old, old blog with this one, well kinda. I liked its format better but who needs 3 blogs, all about nothing? With the book challenge coming to an end soon, I wanted to start saying my goodbyes.

Maybe I just need a break. I have been going at school full time non-stop for 2 1/2 years. When we went to St. Augustine last year, I came back refreshed and ready to conquer. Maybe after Boston (April 30-May4) I will feel better.

I feel like I want to do something new and different. I want to take an artsy class or paint my apartment or buy and espresso machine. Who knows. Julia Child didn't start cooking until she was 34; I may make a 40 year career out of something that I don't even do yet. That thought makes me happy, so does this photograph.

Rain Boots and New Coffee House

2008-04-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

A week or so ago, O. and I walked up to the IMAX theater to see I am Legend (I was ok with it, until the dog gets it, then it was all over for me. Not a fan of killing the dog, lately every book I read AND movie I watch has this Ole Yeller feel to it, not cool.)

Afterwards, we took a stroll through Kleman Plaza and finally checked out the coffee shop that opened 2 blocks from my apartment building. The shop opened months ago, and I had been casing the joint for about a year, ever since the "coming soon" signs went up. Oh, I had big plans of how I would go there every morning for a small americano and chocolate croissant. I haven't found a regular coffee shop since I moved to Tallahassee and I saw this as my big chance at coffee house love again. It was love. It is small and cozy, has fantastic pastries and a big plasma TV for my morning Willie Geist fix. That was weeks ago and I think of it often, over there, as I sip my cruddy home coffee and have my pitiful mushy toast. If only I could get inspired to walk those 2 little blocks, maybe me and Hometown Coffee would have a chance.

I don't have a car. I did have a disaster of a truck 2 years ago when I first went back to school full time, but when the battery died and I was between financial checks, I decided that that was money better spent on take out and a few good books. After all, Tallahassee has a great bus system that actually isn't shady and I live in the center of town, right by campus, so why not shed some weight and enjoy pedestrian life? Then I met the Florida rainy season. It is unpredictable and sneaky, and with all the hills here, evne if it is a sprinkle, I am drenched to the knees by the time I am in class. So I finally broke down and bought rain boots. It has not rained since I bought them, and one day rain was all over the news, so as a pre-caution I wore my proud new boots. My professor couldn't teach because he was giggling at me. Then he proceeded to stop class to point out my "funny shoes". Great.

Avocado Dip

2008-03-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

I made my first recipe from a book! It was only avocado dip though, and I was pretty liberal in amending it to my tastes, but I started out following directions anyway. Yay for small accomplishments!

Camera

2008-03-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

Number 45. get a good camera...done. Canon Powershot SD1000, I love you.

I was reading through my list and I am glad I haven't declared all 101 things because a lot of these things I haven't thought much about since I put them there. That isn't saying a lot about the importance of these things to me, no wonder I am not a pro at making goals and following a path to finishing them.

I have been using my canvas grocery bag, but not enough for it to be a habit, I have watched on of Oprah's online classes, and I have turned off celebrit gossip, but I am not marking those things off yet.

2 down

2008-02-19T06:13:00.000-08:00

I made blueberry muffins, chocolate chip muffins and banana nut muffins. My boyfriend is a strict meat and potatoes guy that includes no sweets. In fact, his idea of dessert is beef jerky or a second helping of dinner. So, this means that I ate 24 muffins in 30 days. Oops.

The baked eggs I made got better each time. The first time I made them, I just popped 2 eggs, some cheese, salt and pepper and baked 12 minutes in 450 degrees. They were yummy, but too hard for me. So I adjusted things and 400 for 5-12 minutes depending if you want to stick the eggs between a bagel or dip with toast. To make even better I added green onion, tomatoes and Chorizo.

This also means I have accomplished 2 of my goals. I am very proud and well fed.

I am starting to memorize the countries and capitols and I realized that this goal will probably take me the whole 2+ years.

The book goal seems impossible to finish by july 4, but I think reading 100 books period is a lofty enough goal, so who care if I make the date, I don't, not anymore. I mean, I can bake eggs now. I am great.

Yummy

2008-01-31T16:14:00.000-08:00

Oh, I forgot to post that this past weekend, besides making my second batch of muffins, I made baked eggs, they were fan-frikkin-tastic. I made them for myself and had a pampering moment early on Sunday, it was lovely.

More muffins

2008-01-28T07:33:00.000-08:00

I made apple cinnamon muffins this weekend, and though they do not exactly qualify as "homemade", I stirred, poured and turned the oven on, so good enough for me!

It is so hard for me to think up 101 things! I am starting to feel small minded or limited by my lack of imagination and ambition. And most of these are super lame. I keep trying to add things then decide they are too difficult, or too silly, or too beyond my control, I should just start adding, I mean I don't even have 50 yet.

Muffins and blankets

2008-01-21T15:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry about my retarded list, I don't think it really matters the order though, as long as there are 101, which there will be eventually. It is a pretty daunting task to come up with 101 things to accomplish. I don't want to set the bar really high and I also don't want to include things that will be happening with or with out the list. (like: graduating, re-newing my lease, etc) But hell, with 101 things, I get some gimmees.

I have been reading steady, hopefully things will work out there. I have also had a renewed love of crocheting and I have a stiff arm to prove it. AND I am making Chocolate Chip muffins right now!
Yay, progress already. How cute is this apron my mom made me? I love it I want a dozen. It inspired me so much I cooked all day.

I think a lot of my goals are going to be food oriented, that is awesome, it is easy to find inspiration to eat.

End Date

2008-01-11T15:10:00.000-08:00

I copied someone else who started the same day as me so here it is 10/03/2010. Wow that seems like a really long time from now. I feel bad about how tiny my goals are. I will have to do some thinking on them.

oh and sorry about the retarded formating issues, I will have them figured out sometime. I plan on having all 1001 over there on the right, but I have to put them in backwards, and I haven't thought of 101 yet, blah blah. I plan on doing things in 10's anyway, but I will get it figured out. My goal is to have all 101 listed by July 4.

01/11/08

2008-01-11T15:03:00.000-08:00

I am too lazy to know when this ends. I will figure it out later. I have been actively reading and crocheting. I have to say I am really looking forward to doing many different things, not that reading hasn't been great, but I miss cooking and crafting and doing other things in general.

Some More 10-20

2008-01-11T14:51:00.000-08:00

11. Learn how to make maduros
12. Learn how to make brownies
13. Get a professional to color my hair
14. Start wearing make-up like a grown-up
15. Get moon tattoo covered up
16. Graduate
17. Learn how to knit
18. Make an apron
19. Buy glasses from Fabulous Fanny's
20. Spend a week in Pennsylvania

2008-01-09T06:13:00.000-08:00

So I am going to need ways to fill my time when the book fiasco is over, and though that is several months away, this 101/1001 days project is very appealing to me, and it keeps cropping up, so I choose to take that as a sign from the universe. My 101 things are going to be relatively small goals because that is how I want to roll for the next 2+ years.

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

1. Finish reading 100 books by July 4, 2008 (40/100)
2. Finish afghan I have been working on for 2 years
3. Buy muffin pan and make muffins every Sunday for a month (0/4)
4. Paint ugly bookcase
5. Take my mom to the museum
6. Learn how to play chess
7. Try 10 recipes from a book (0/10)
8. Go to Boston
9. Get down to 3 email addresses
10. Get Tallahassee Geeky Travel Guide Website up and running.

There is a start.