Kick in the Pants

I am sick to death of my blah attitude. I am spending too much time at home, too much time alone and way way too much time thinking. I need to stop focusing so much time on the inner weirdo workings of my brain. The times I am happiest in my life are the times I can zone out and pay attention to the one thing I need to do at that moment. Like slicing a lemon, feeling the breeze from the trusty ceiling fan or giving the pooch a scratch behind her ear. I will never ever find contentment by sitting here analyzing why I am not content.

I am pretty good at feeling sorry for myself, of not giving myself credit when it is due and at making myself out to be the most corrupt person on this planet. But if I have one talent it is that I always notice and pay respect to the details. I think growing up with so little blessed me with the ability to feel rich even in the most dire of circumstances. I love my things. I am not materialistic and I am not oddly attached to my material goods, but I LOVE my stuff. Even my smallest goods I treat with reverence. And I think that is the key to it all, reverence. My coffee cup is not just a cup, but a drinking vessel just for me. It's a homely thing with a mysterious unknown origin that came into MY life to be a helper to nourish little ole me. I love this cup.

So with my quirky graciousness, I need to kick myself in the ass and start noticing the BIG blessings too. If I can worship my toast and butter, why not my diploma? I guess I get overwhelmed with the big presents.

Next...

Wow! It is a whole new world from where I am standing. I graduated, got engaged and moved in with my beau. What isn't different these days? I am tempted to begin a new blog about something, but I just don't know what yet. This world is so unfamiliar to me. I never thought I would finish school, and I certainly never thought that I would get married. I am trying to adjust, trying to realize that this is MY life, as completely foreign that it is, it is so strange.

Graduation Schmaduation

Well, I am graduating tomorrow. I am nervous, but not excited. I have so much going on these days, and though it is all good stuff, I am finding myself in a bit of a funk. Graduation is looming, engagement is grand but comes with a whole new host of responsibilities and obligations, moving in with the Fiance is smoother than I thought, but the house is a nightmare. And I am just plain exhausted. I am being tugged in every direction and nothing seems to hold much pleasure for me right now. Even my "go-to" comforts like soft blankies and food isn't cutting through the malaise.

I hate being so grumpy when everything is shaping up, but I feel so tired. It is a 4 year tired. Wrestling with financial aid, working in horrible groups and struggling through a major that I am not 100% in love with tired. Honestly, I am glad I am graduating, but for me, it is more a "glad that is over, now what" feeling.

I am signing up for cooking classes, becoming a consultant at a local advocacy group and applied for a part time job at a designer boutique. I am not seeking out the big time job until after wedding and renovating things are done.

I feel hopelessly empty. I hate this house and this neighborhood. The house is a vile frat boy-destroyed skeleton of a place that reeks of smokey parties and trouble. The hood is jammed with cars all blaring their bass and folks walking their muscly pit bulls. Not a zen-like home for this lady. I feel worlds away from my precious apartment in the sky over looking the downtown oaks. I miss my morning walks with my pup around the historical district and my quiet evenings with a glass of wine and a book. I can still have the wine and book, but in a bug infested backyard with copious amounts of dog poo, and amid vibrations from the ever-present car music.

I am desperately homesick, except this is it. I will make it livable, it is just devastating how much work it takes just to get a little creature comfort. O says we only have to live here until next August. Fingers crossed.