Kick in the Pants

I am sick to death of my blah attitude. I am spending too much time at home, too much time alone and way way too much time thinking. I need to stop focusing so much time on the inner weirdo workings of my brain. The times I am happiest in my life are the times I can zone out and pay attention to the one thing I need to do at that moment. Like slicing a lemon, feeling the breeze from the trusty ceiling fan or giving the pooch a scratch behind her ear. I will never ever find contentment by sitting here analyzing why I am not content.

I am pretty good at feeling sorry for myself, of not giving myself credit when it is due and at making myself out to be the most corrupt person on this planet. But if I have one talent it is that I always notice and pay respect to the details. I think growing up with so little blessed me with the ability to feel rich even in the most dire of circumstances. I love my things. I am not materialistic and I am not oddly attached to my material goods, but I LOVE my stuff. Even my smallest goods I treat with reverence. And I think that is the key to it all, reverence. My coffee cup is not just a cup, but a drinking vessel just for me. It's a homely thing with a mysterious unknown origin that came into MY life to be a helper to nourish little ole me. I love this cup.

So with my quirky graciousness, I need to kick myself in the ass and start noticing the BIG blessings too. If I can worship my toast and butter, why not my diploma? I guess I get overwhelmed with the big presents.

Next...

Wow! It is a whole new world from where I am standing. I graduated, got engaged and moved in with my beau. What isn't different these days? I am tempted to begin a new blog about something, but I just don't know what yet. This world is so unfamiliar to me. I never thought I would finish school, and I certainly never thought that I would get married. I am trying to adjust, trying to realize that this is MY life, as completely foreign that it is, it is so strange.

Graduation Schmaduation

Well, I am graduating tomorrow. I am nervous, but not excited. I have so much going on these days, and though it is all good stuff, I am finding myself in a bit of a funk. Graduation is looming, engagement is grand but comes with a whole new host of responsibilities and obligations, moving in with the Fiance is smoother than I thought, but the house is a nightmare. And I am just plain exhausted. I am being tugged in every direction and nothing seems to hold much pleasure for me right now. Even my "go-to" comforts like soft blankies and food isn't cutting through the malaise.

I hate being so grumpy when everything is shaping up, but I feel so tired. It is a 4 year tired. Wrestling with financial aid, working in horrible groups and struggling through a major that I am not 100% in love with tired. Honestly, I am glad I am graduating, but for me, it is more a "glad that is over, now what" feeling.

I am signing up for cooking classes, becoming a consultant at a local advocacy group and applied for a part time job at a designer boutique. I am not seeking out the big time job until after wedding and renovating things are done.

I feel hopelessly empty. I hate this house and this neighborhood. The house is a vile frat boy-destroyed skeleton of a place that reeks of smokey parties and trouble. The hood is jammed with cars all blaring their bass and folks walking their muscly pit bulls. Not a zen-like home for this lady. I feel worlds away from my precious apartment in the sky over looking the downtown oaks. I miss my morning walks with my pup around the historical district and my quiet evenings with a glass of wine and a book. I can still have the wine and book, but in a bug infested backyard with copious amounts of dog poo, and amid vibrations from the ever-present car music.

I am desperately homesick, except this is it. I will make it livable, it is just devastating how much work it takes just to get a little creature comfort. O says we only have to live here until next August. Fingers crossed.

Met a tool

He told me that, “Ideally, I would be like Robin Williams in Dead Poet Society.” He paused and looked picturesquely thoughtful. He was the perfect vision of what a boy looks like who is at once incredibly attractive and absolutely brilliant. He was the vision of what that kind of boy should look like, but he was not that kind of boy. “Yea, you know, I know how to teach and inspire people…and it is the only way to be called captain without having a boat.”

I think maybe it is me. I must be pretty intolerant to hate all the people I do, like I do. I try to take people seriously, I do, but they are so ridiculous. Maybe hate is too harsh, I don’t hate people. I think I have just had ridiculously high expectations for them for a long time. I used to be accused of wanting to be a non-conformist, and I am sure I fed that idea when I was 15, who doesn’t, but I don’t really care if I am exactly like my neighbor, as long as I am happy and not lying to myself.

Maybe if I can see all the things that bug me as funny and not bad then I will not be so grumpy at the poor bastards. I think I have been in school for way too long. I am a crotchety old lady now.

I am frikkin addicted to this song

Hello Old Friends

I have been busy and a little crazy. This summer brings with it a plethora of life changing decisions and big happenings. First, after four years, my boyfriend and I have decided to shack up. (leave me alone about the ring thing, I hear it all day) This is a whopper for me given that I have lived alone for nine years, yikes! Not only am I a lone wolf, but I really treasure my home life. Creature comforts are more important to me than anything, so moving in with a space taking boy and a very loud baying hound dog isn't without concerns.

Secondly, I am graduating. This one is such a biggie that it is still hard for me to grasp. I really never thought I would finish. I mean, I had never finished college before, so it seemed like some impossible feat for me, like mastering group sports or something. I can't believe I did it. I am obviously still in shock.

Thirdly, I got a pixie cut. I am still coming to terms with this decision but I did not cry at least. I wanted to, but as I was telling my lovely stylist Christie K. to take it ALL off, we were making fun of the whiny models on America's Next Top Model.

So now I set off for my last semester.

A case of the Mondays

Good Morning. I was up until 1:00am last night with a brain full of things from my past. I have been in the middle of reacquainting a part of my family, and I inadvertently got in contact with my estranged father. It was surprisingly less dramatic than I thought it would be. I text messaged him, hallelujah for technology, it makes like so easy for things that can be too hard to do face-to-face or on the phone. After a few emotional exchanges, he asked what I did all day. Oddly, that was the question that sent me over the edge because as you know, I like the day-to-day little things the most.

This morning, it all seems really surreal. I have always operated under the notion that I was raised by wolves and they have since moved on. Now suddenly, I have family again. I don't know what to do with one, where do I put it, how do I clean and maintain it. This is unfamiliar ground and I am completely gobsmacked about how to operate.

So for now, I will enjoy my morning coffee, walk to school listening to Camera Obscura, come home and take a nice nap and maybe text my Pop to see what he is doing on this Monday morning.